Wednesday, June 7, 2017

My New Addition {Raw}

Knock, Knock...anyone home?

How you doing?

Long time no see, huh?

Well I am not going to come up with some long winded, sappy, nor exciting reason as to why I have not been around these parts.  It really is...I just haven't had much time, interest, and been going through lots of stuff...quite frankly, in all honesty, that stuff that has been going on...has been going on for awhile, I just chose not to talk about it...but now I will because it is part of my new addition...

Now I know what you are probably thinking, the obvious....a baby, but nope certainly not that since Hotel Uterus has been closed as of this past August when I had a Hysterectomy.  I actually got really sick last spring into summer where I had to have weekly iron infusions because of my low iron counts and well being a women, losing lots of blood every month was not very helpful so...had that sucker removed in alas, it is supposed to be a routine procedure but leave it to me to take a detour. Ha!  I had some complications and ended up in the hospital for almost a week.  That was fun! I was out on short term disability from work for about 8 weeks.  Fast forward a couple months later and the company I work for got bought! (I do still have a job under the new ownership however I have been struggling with the work-home balance since I have taken on a totally new role in said company) So "stress" has been my middle name for awhile.....oh and did I mention, it is my second oldest senior year so throw in all the senior stuff, last football games, last basketball games, college visits, college decisions....and you have one crazy, mad women...which leads me to my next confession so to speak...

My husband and I separated, I actually filed for divorce at the beginning of the year....went through some pretty crazy stuff for several months while we were separated and ultimately have come back together to work on our marriage.  Quite honestly, you know how people have those "aha" moments? Well I had one with regard to my marriage.  You see I was the one that filed and I was adamant that our marriage was not working.  We argued and fought ALL.THE.TIME. , on any given day, it was like a roller coaster.  And the littles.  My heart broke everyday because there were obvious times when their was tension between he and I that of course impacted the littles.    I had to get off the ride, so I did.  I filed.  He moved out.  We had joint custody.  He had them every other weekend.  He would have them on no school days until he went to work.  The kids started getting used to the back and forth and their parents, they were happy, so they thought.  But honestly, we were both miserable but to proud to admit it many times, to proud to take accountability for our own issues/actions that led us here, to stubborn and prideful to admit we were both got pretty ugly for awhile there because of the hurt, the resentment, the words that were said by both of was painful.  It is still painful.   BUT, with determination, with respect, with the love we know we once had for another, we are rebuilding our marriage, our family ONE.DAY.AT.A,TIME.

My "aha" moment came on a Friday, March 10th, early that morning, as I laid there in bed, by myself, thinking about all that had been transpiring around me....and I was still.  I listened. I am not going to say that I heard GOD "speak" to me per se...  I mean I clearly believe in GOD and I know he can move mountains and heal hearts but I just had so much clarity that morning that this, the divorce, was not the right path for us; I know GOD had a plan and first "pushed" me to choose to separate (I know that probably sounds funny) only for us to both hit rock bottom and then come back together; Stronger. More Determined.  You know the saying, you don't know what you got til it's gone...well yeah, that.  We need to fight for one another, for us, as hard as it might be at times; for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

I have seen this quote several times now and it sums things up pretty good.

Now of course, a couple months back into mending our marriage, we still struggle...but it is different.  It is not the anger, resentment, roller coaster....we are a work in progress, every single day.  We are learning to love unconditionally, trust wholly and communicate more effectively.  It is not easy and in all honesty, I have caught myself a few times doubting things again, as I am sure he has too BUT....our story is not over. I know it takes two but I will continue watering our grass because the grass is greener where you water it.

And the new addition I keep referring to:

Hope you have a fantastic day!

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